In case you weren't already excited about it being a new week and back at work, for those of us who still have jobs. This will make you feel good about being an old talentless fuck. Oh wait, that's just me? Oh well. Enjoy either way.

Have a great day, now I have to go learn that song so I can teach my daughter how to play it. Good thing you play the drums sitting down, since she can't even crawl yet.

peace&love,
lazyJ

is not as cool as mine.

peace&love,
lazyJ

(Click for more photos.)

peace&love,
lazyJ

p.s. When the f#$k is the A.Kid gonna fix the Twitter feed? Am I right?

At JFK, and I have to say the Jetblue terminal here is awesome. Tons of restaurants, free wifi, open areas with tons of seats and electrical outlets...

Last trip of Jetblue's all-you-can-jet was to Portland, Maine. Spent a day in Portland and two in Kennebunkport. We saw a whole bunch of people taking pictures of some random house, and didn't realize until we saw it on a postcard later that it was owned by the Bush's. Exciting, I know.

So, vacation-a-palooza took a downward turn. The resort was stayed at was pretty ghetto. We knew it going in, but parts were definitely worse than expected. The grounds were beautiful and the security guards did a decent job of keeping the wandering merchants away. The food though...was atrocious. $100 a night (for 2!) of all-inclusiveness is not something you want. It was kind of our fault for staying in Juan Dolio which is the old resort area, but it was our only Jetblue choice. Oh well.

Pics from Puerto Rico, we stayed in El Convento this billion year old former convent in Old San Juan. Ok maybe more like 300-400 years old, but that shit was AGED.

Coolest thing was a trip to the bioluminescent bay there. We kayaked out into this cove and hung out there for a while playing with the water. The little organisms in the water light up when disturbed, so when you put your hand in the water glows all around it. Take your hand out and as the water runs off it sparkles. The water lights up when fish swim through it...definitely a must see if you're ever in Puerto Rico.

Here's the rest of the Puerto Rico pictures

I got in trouble with the girlfriend for not posting this picture since we looked "super cute."

Had maple syrup, didn't see the coat factory. We were going to go on a Ben & Jerry's factory tour until we found a regular B&J store and ate too much ice cream, then the tour didn't sound as appealing. If you have nothing to do, and want to go somewhere an do nothing, I highly recommend Burlington, VT.

A few more Burlington pictures.

We've been really slacking on the posting, so here's a super quick rundown of what's been going on with me.

- Remodeled my house to sell it as part of my master real estate investment plan. Dismantling the rock band stage with Tom's help was a sad sad day.
- Sneakily moved in with my girlfriend without her actually asking me too.
- Girlfriend rented her house out, probably to get back at me for moving in with her without asking.
- Bought a house (also part of the master real estate investment plan) that the girlfriend and I moved into.
- Got fired. Wasn't personal, 1300 of my closest coworkers got laid off too. I blame all of you for not continuing to spend outside of your means. This of course was not part of the real estate investment plan.
- Spent time fixing up the new house. My mother is not impressed by how good I'm getting at replacing toilets and sink fixtures.
- Looked for jobs, didn't find any.
- Went on vacation! You may have heard of that Jetblue All-You-Can-Jet program. $599, fly all you want for a month. So, that's precisely what I'm doing. The girlfriend and I are in Burlington, VT right now. Why? Why not!

happy birthday tomas!!!

..yes I am!

peace&love,
lazyJ

It sucks when you have a dump brewing and the city has shut off your water because of water main repairs. Oh wait...each toilet should have one spare flush right? BRB!!! Hope it's not a double flusher!

Just saw an ad for Latisse, an Eyelash growing drug. Do we really need this?

Sometimes people ask me what Twitter is all about. I try to explain that I'm a fan of any tool that lets people communicate in new and more efficient ways, and that even though 99% of the time it will be useless gibberish some people will find genuinely good uses for the new technology. One example is how it lets you connect with musicians in a very new and personal way. You can hear about their latest song developments, what they're working on, etc. It was great at SXSW hearing artists talk about their upcoming shows, comment on recent performances, etc.

So, why am I mentioning all this? I saw Bomani Armah at SXSW this year and thought he was fantastic. The girlfriend loves his stuff too, although I don't think she quite got all of it. Turns out my suspicions were correct.

See that? Bomani thinks my girlfriend is hilarious! The actual lyrics are Buy some land, buy some land, fuck spinning rims. She was close.

So, you may remember this post.

Well, as you all know little Lo Worm is here so we can see the actual result of the real gene machine. I've been able to acquire some baby pictures of me and BG. I'm on the left.

Yeah, she looks a lot like her daddy right now. Hopefully she grows up to look a lot more like her mommy!

We'll have to wait until she gets around 2 or so before judging the accuracy of the D&B picture. So, stay tuned...

peace&love,
lazyJ

So first of all, when we were on Oahu we didn't go to the North Shore, and we didn't go surfing. We were going to go check out the North Shore but ran out of time, but even if we had I wouldn't have gone surfing. I don't do water, unless I'm showering or we're going tubing. We went snorkeling and um...I got sea sick while I was in the water looking at fishies. I mean who gets sea sick without being in a boat??? Sometimes I'm incredibly lame.

It's the dock used in Lost. I know, exciting.

Check out the rest of the Oahu photos.

Hey! I'm back from vacation! (By the way, I was on vacation). The girlfriend and I spent about 10 days in Hawaii, some alone and some with my bro and his fiancee. We started on the big island and did volcano stuff but the visibility was bad and there weren't any visible lava flows. We hiked into the volcanic crater and it was AWESOME!! It was like being on another planet, way cool, and the fog and overcast skies made it seem sort of eerie. We only had a day and half there but the hike was my favorite activity of the whole trip.

Here's more photos of our big island trip. The rest of the trip will be coming soon.

I recently received this email.

That seems exactly like the sort of thing my personal site, lazyj.net, which is pretty much empty, needs.

Access to the China market.

peace&love,
lazyJ

- The fantastic new flattire redesign should've been done by now, but isn't. Tom is swamped with work, lazyJ is swamped with baby, and I'm swamped with a top secret project to be revealed later.
- I have more trapeze vids to post, but again, the aforementioned swamping.
- My Xbox died (red ring of death)
- I won a refurbed xbox! I use this site bensbargains.net and won one of their giveaways. How's that for good timing?
- None of the flattire writers has the swine flu.

I've been doing some serious spring cleaning which involves selling almost everything I have on Craigslist. One of the things I listed was my leather motorcycle racing suit that I've rarely used. I get an email response from a friend of a friend, who doesn't realize it's me so I decide to have a little fun with him.

Craigslist Buyer:
interested - still have it? when are you available meet up?

Me:
I still have the leathers. I should be around Wednesday evening starting at around 6pm. That's my only night free this week, but I'll be around most of the weekend.

The leathers are in great shape, the only reason I'm selling them for so cheap is I sharted in them once. Most of it didn't make it through my boxers, and you probably wouldn't be able to tell unless you rubbed your nose in just the right spot.

Let me know if you'd like to come by for a look.

Craigslist Buyer:
hahah - i gotta ask - are you being serious about the shart.... how bad is it??? did you clean it at all??

Me:
Yes, it's unfortunate and embarrassing, but I believe in full disclosure when selling something. I wiped the area down and really it wasn't bad at all. The leather is black there so you definitely can't see anything. I don't know if I can actually smell it or if it's just mental at this point, ya know? I had one of my cats check it out and he didn't seem to notice anything weird so it's probably all in my head.

Craigslist Buyer:
OK - well obv wed is out... Whats your schedule like this weekend?

Me:
I've got good news and bad news. Good news is I'll take $50 for it. Bad news is my other cat must have a better sense of smell than the cat I used as the shart detector. She must've smelled something since she started scratching around and then started to take a leak on it. I caught her pretty quick and wiped it up, but at this point you might as well take it to a professional leather cleaner. I think the drop in price should easily cover it, and it's not like you need the whole thing cleaned just the seat of the pants (inside and out).

Ps. I'm Gabe's friend, and I've been messing with you. The suit sold early in the week but I couldn't help it! I saw your bike on facebook a while back, I've got a black R6 too. Keep the rubber side down, as they say.

I know, I'm mean.

So the girlfriend (yes, I have a girlfriend now) got me into trapeze lessons, and I LOVE IT. I've had three lessons so far and here are some youtube vids. If you have the opportunity, I highly recommend taking at least one class.

I was about to post about the next installment of freeing balls from pants when I realized I skipped March's entirely. Here's both months at once. ENJOY.

March - top 3 picks

April - SXSW 2009 faves

Head on over and take a listen while we wait for lazyJ's baby girl to make her debut. Apparently lazyJ is biding his time by drinking heavily.

Well, any day now I could be a father. The due date is next Tuesday but poor Dr. Girlfriend is ready to burst. My parents are planning to come down, as are hers. But mine decided to drive down to their Montana house for the weekend. My Dad just doesn't want to sit at home doing nothing and waiting for the call. He'd rather go shopping for a new boat. My Mom is hoping that the fact that they are in the process of making it a bigger pain in the ass for them to get down here will send Dr. Girlfriend into labor.

Before we had even started seriously discussing having kids the good Dr. and I were at a Dave & Buster's with some friends and they have one of those pictures booths which will combine your two photos into what they think your kids will look like.

Click below for their renderring of Lorraine.

=> Read more!

SXSW 2009 ended a week ago and I still miss it. For the unfamiliar, SXSW = South by Southwest, a 10 day festival of music, film, and interactive shows and conferences. Interactive = social networking, blogging, etc. I'd say the music part is the biggest with a line up of bands so long it quickly becomes overwhelming. I missed out on a few acts I wanted to catch like Lady Sovereign, Vivian Girls, Amanda Palmer, and a handful of others, but that's just how it goes. Here's who I did get to see:

Von Bondies - solid

Maki Rinka - unexpected but good

Hesta Prynn in Civil Shepard - saw twice!

We Were Promised Jetpacks - bad pic but great band

Dananananakroyd - very screamy

Camera Obscura - finally got to see live

The Proclaimers - remember them? I would walk 500 miles?

Glasvegas - good performance despite audio issues

Bomani Armah - awesome, favorite show of SXSW '09

Magneta Lane - singer has an awesome voice.

Marcy Playground - no pics, so here are some of the lovely people who I got to listen to music with. lazyJ, VA, and Amanda.

I'm too lazy to myspace link all the bands but check them out if you're looking for new stuff to listen to. We Were Promised Jetpacks are my new fave. More 2009 SXSW pictures here

Based on a recent UK Study there's an online calculator to check your chances of getting type 2 diabetes. A simplistic explanation of type 2 diabetes is wearing out your pancreas by an overconsumption of carbohydrates. I have a family history of it, so it was nice to check my risk.

Online Type 2 Diabetes Calculator

You can use google to convert imperial measurements to metric. (ie google "5ft 10in in cm" or "150lb in kg" and it'll give you the conversion)

Interesting (to me) side note, all countries official use the metric system except for four: United States, the United Kingdom, Burma and Liberia

I haven't been snowboarding in years and I sort of forgot how much fun it is. We went to Crystal Mountain and conditions were amazing. I thank the fresh powder for the minimal bruises, AND I got some good boarding advice that really helped me up how EXTREME I am on my snowboard. I was shredding it hard I tell you, and I didn't even give myself a concussion this time! I totally need to go more often.

I now have three items on my list of things wrong with Austin TX
1) Lack of good seafood
2) No nearby snowboarding
3) Not all my favorite people live there. But they should.

Cool short film. Give it a look-see if you have about 8 minutes.

Sorry for the lack of posting, been busy. I'm half way to seattle right now to see this guy and do some snowboarding:

Next week is the music part of SXSW which will be awesome.

Surprise! You didn't think I still wrote here, did you? Well, I come to you today to tell you I missed you and to ask for money.

It's that time of year again, I'm doing St. Baldricks... aka I'm letting someone shave my head to raise money for children's cancer research. There isn't much I hate more than cancer. I know we're all sitting on trust funds and structured settlements (thanks Wayne Wright, injury attorney!), but anything you can do will help.

Please donate here.

THANKS!

Those of you who know us well know that the Kid enjoys cocking cooking. So much in fact that he has acquired a pretty decent stash of cooking devices. Like this mixer.

So I just wanted to rub this in.

=> Read more!

Tom and I spent yesterday working from various coffee shops with free wifi. At the second coffee shop we were close to the bathrooms. I look up at one point when I smelled something less than pleasant, and Tom was making a "ewwww" face. We were wearing headphones so I IM'd him.

Me: nice seat choice jackass. maybe next time we can sit IN the bathroom

A couple minutes later:

Tom: i think your female cousin just pooped flowers

Next time we'll convince lazyJ to join us and have a flattire coffee shop work-o-rama.

Haven't posted rock band pics in a long time so here are a few. I've decided snakes make good shirts, lazyJ is looking extra ripped, and Tom's got some sweet tats.

Ok, last Christmas related post since it is February and all.

"downtown"

...except for keeping his sign from getting torn

um...

Wonder if PVT Ponce was a private during the civil war, if so he was the oldest private ever.

We decided to run an experiment and asked a bunch of people what their current top 3 favorite songs were. Not all time favorites, not greatest songs ever, just whatever they were really into at the moment. Here's the results and I promise the site is not porn.

We didn't want to pay to register a new name just for this so we used one we already had that wasn't being used. Thank god for lazyJ and his domain name impulse buys!

My mom loves telling me I need to go back to school and do something with my life, but my dad takes the much more materialistic approach and tells me to improve my life by buying things. For instance during the course of our 14 hour drive from Virginia to Florida he claimed I needed to buy all of the following:

- a new car
- a boat
- a RV
- a log cabin

Bear in mind that each time he makes this suggestion, it starts with "Boy, you need to get you a [insert random object]." So yes, my dad really did say "Boy, you need to get you a log cabin."

Hopefully Obama can do something about this "recission" soon.

They had to wait for the HazMat team? They could have just called me.

I could have had that shit cleaned up in no time and all I would have needed was access to unlimited chicken wings.

peace&love,
lazyJ

I'm way behind on posting, as usual. Here's a Christmas quote from my grandmother, talking about her brother. Read it to yourself with a heavy southern accent to get the full effect.

"I don't know why he got that G-P-S to put in his car. Now what he gunna do with that, he only got one eye!"

Oh, family.

Just got this in my email from a hockey buddy.

Here's the reply the teacher received the following day.

peace&love,
lazyJ

You know at Flattire we love us some Northern State, and I recently saw that the NS ladies have started some side projects.

Spero and Sprout joined up with four other ladies (including Dani Linnetz from the Inklings) to form Lucky Bitch (my EP is on the way!)

Hesta Prynn has started a solo project "Hesta Prynn in Civil Shephard" and will be in Austin for SXSW.

Hey, maybe Spero will come to Austin with Hesta and I can be my normal super eloquent self!

So it's the Chinese New Year today, and it's the start of the year of the ox. Since oxen and cows are from the same genetic moo family, we present you this great commercial. If you know anyone named Alicia it's your duty today to torment them with this commercial - the Lunar New Year demands it!

Just a heads up, sometime in the next month or two or three flattire is going to be redone, top to bottom. This is just a warning since I'll be messing with stuff here and there for a while and might break things.

Watch This

peace&love,
lazyJ
Note:When the Kid wakes up I'll try to see about getting this properly embedded.

Hi my name is Greg, and I have a problem with impulsive domain name registrations.

http://www.yellowbemellow.com/

I don't really know what to do with the site except for proclaim how mellow and yellow I am. Or maybe I can steal search hits from people searching for mellow yellow. Do they even make mellow yellow anymore?

Other people need to register the following:
BlackNotInBack.com
BrownGetAround.com
RedGetAhead.com
WhiteEmbraceRight.com

But not me, I already have a racially inspired site. What's up my ninjas! Squint power!! Reverend Joseph Lowery would be proud, maybe.

I'm watching the inauguration on CNN which is sort of neat since you can set facebook status messages with your friends and see all their comments. Well, it was neat until everyone stopped commenting and the video started stuttering. Here's my comments for the non-facebookers, plus some.

- thinks this cnn facebook thing is weird.
- AHHH the tubes are clogging!!!
- switched to http://www.hulu.com/live/inauguration since CNN stalling.
- not really a fan of the prayer part, but eh...ceremony is ceremony.
- sworn in!!
- woo go science! (listening to speech)
- Love that he just said security of our country does not mean we have to sacrifice our ideals.
- I don't care which way you voted, but you've got to admit, the man gives a good speech. How refreshing.
- Washington Post reported that there was booing in the crowd when Bush arrived. Kind of disrespectful, but not surprising.
- Speech from the reverend dude was pretty funny. I'm yellow and I'm already mellow!

Um, I think we're done? Congrats President Obama.

Check the new whitehouse.gov site

Inauguration Transcript after the jump

=> Read more!

WebTvHub.com has a good list of online sources to watch the inauguration.

Just read an interview of Chris Rock by CNN and thought this part was great:

CNN: I watched the special last night, and I noticed that you did a lot of jokes about John McCain -- his age, his war hero story -- but not so many about Barack Obama. Is it harder to make fun of Obama?

Chris Rock: He's just one of those guys, you know, like Will Smith. There's no Will Smith jokes. There's no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? "Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You're such a loser." What do you say? "Ooh, your movies are big. You make $20 million." There's nothing to say about Brad Pitt.

CNN: Why is Obama like that?

Rock: It's like "Ooh, you're young and virile and you've got a beautiful wife and kids. You're the first African-American president." You know, what do you say?

Note to people at work giving presentations: In your power point slides, do not abbreviate the word "analysis" as "analy." Yes, it only takes people 3 seconds to figure out what you meant, but for a room of 20 people that's a full minute more thought on asses than you had intended.

On the other hand if that was your intention, well done.

I was chatting with a friend about how many dating search is going, and I was explaining what I thought part of the trouble was.

Me: I'm more compatible with non-asian values and personalities, which means I dig white chicks. But white chicks may look at me and write me off since they don't want to date a dude that's asian. not purely a looks thing, but the personalities and lifestyles that go with it

Dr.Ruth: oh. but you are not asian in your lifestyle. and your house doesn't smell like you've been cooking dog or anything

Me: LOL hahahahahahaha omg that's hilarious

Dr.Ruth: you should hang in there. don't settle for a less than awesome chick

Me: but girls don't get to smell my house first and realize it smells like an unscooped litter box and not cooked dog. they just see me and ASSUME cooked dog

Dr.Ruth: hahaha

Split strum bar!!! If only it was wireless, and free.

Mad Catz Rock Band Bass Guitar at Amazon

New Flickr War! The last one was on staches but this one was drinks.

Drinks were:
- coffee
- tea
- unemployment
- spit
- life savings
- flavor flav (the cat)

Let me know if you have a submission.

Cyanide and Happiness is sort of hit or miss, but I love it when it's a hit.

I was IMing with Tom and our friend Lanie a couple months ago and somehow the topic of this female coworker came up. I said I wasn't interested in dating her for various reasons, one of which is she's super duper skinny and wears tight jeans revealing that she has too much crotch space. It makes her legs look like they're not attached properly to the rest of her body. Since this was really hard to explain, I drew this picture:

Left is normal, right is work-girl. I think that clarifies it, no? I think everyone's New Year's resolution should be to use the phrase "crotch space" more. We can do this!

I was supposed to write about this 2 months ago and never did. Oops. I did post pictures, but didn't write anything. So now that it's lost all timeliness, this is one of those "for my own reference" posts. Plus I have no time since I'm scheming about something else and I have tons of work to do on it. We all know however, the best way to do something you've been putting off, is to do it right before you do something else much more important. So here goes, super quick and super crappy.

- Chichen Itza Kind of neat but not that visually impressive. The history is amazing, and on some of the stones you can still see the blood handprints on some of the stones in the buildings. The two annoying things are we took a tour bus to get there which ended up being a 3-4 hour ride each way, and that the place is crawling with vendors selling crap. Crap vendors.

- Tulum Very cool, especially if you're a beach person. The ruins are practically on the beach, and there's also a beach there to hang out at. Clean sand, blue water, that whole thing. It would've been a pretty nice place to live 800 years ago!

- I almost bought a time share. Hey, it seemed like a good investment. Plus, how can you NOT buy a timeshare when you're staying at a beautiful resort and have a week's worth of doing nothing to accomplish? My bro and I were splitting a timeshare and when the third fishy thing come up WHILE SIGNING PAPERS we bailed. It's a bad sign when what the sales people tell you doesn't match the papers you're signing.

- Playa del Carmen. It's a town 40 miles away from Cancun. Part of it is really touristy, but if you walk away from the main strip it We ate there two different nights and the food was amazing each time. Mayan food once, Mexican food the other. Man just thinking about it is making me hungry!

- Xpu-ha. I probably spelled that wrong. Not sure if it was a "green" resort or some nature preserve, but we went snorkeling in a mangrove forest. I'm glad I did it, but I have both a fear of drowning and a fear of heights. Funny how snorkeling manages to combine the two...

There's a few more vacation pictures on flickr that I didn't post previously.

Give me a couple months and I'll write about my redneck christmas...

Check out the subject of today's Frontier Airlines email special.

peace&love,
lazyJ

I was hanging out at my city's Xmas fair back in December and was handed the below piece of paper. The celebration has a pretty religion heavy area right next to all the overpriced carnival rides. That's right, they put the carnies and the fundies right next to each other.

The things you learn about candy canes:

Happy New Year y'all!

peace&love,
lazyJ

My brother sent me these videos from way back in the day, maybe 5-6 years ago? You can see younger versions of myself, tom, and lazyJ on a beach trip. I have no idea why my bro was recording these so don't try to figure out what we're saying because I have no idea, except that apparently lazyJ "likes the pink."