I'm back in austin, and it's great. while I wait in the longest line ever for my barber i'm trying something crazy, a post from my phone WITH a picture! I know it's crazy.

the ony problem is I have nothing to post about. so i'm going to list random things that happened that we never posted about on account of us sucking at posting.

- lazyj and my work started to ban flattire.org. I know some other companies do, and the military does as well. for all those soldiers out there that need flattire at work, don't fret. go to our secret address here: http://flattire.infodump.org

- found out a guy at work was lying about getting his work done. his job is to run tests on things I design, and he was faking some of the tests to say they passed wen they didn't. it was ultimate laziness, because when a test passes your work is done. when it fails you have to figure out why. unh-unh, not cool. it makes me and my group look incompetent and it's too late to fiz the issue now. if u wonder why sometimes your phone acts quirky, blame this guy.

- rhett and chris visited. tom, rhett and I used to live together. if tom and I combine our smart-ass comment making talent, we become a truly annoying force to be reckoned with. yet despite driving rhett nuts for just about forever, he still likes us. the picture above is from when we went bowling. one of chris' friends is pretty cute, but she always mentions her boyfriend in a weird way as if to reassure herself that she isn't single. I wish her the best, but the official flattire stance on her relationship is that it's shakey at best. I mean it's practically like this:

me: hi! haven't seen you in a while. how are you?

her: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!

I'm still a little paranoid that these posts from my phone aren't going to work after typing them out on tiny buttons with my thumbs for 20 minutes, so i'm wrapping this one up. for 2008, i'm totally getting thumb reduction surgery just for you guys.

My dad has an amazing ability to ignore what's going on around him.
sometimes this comes across as being focused, but when he's behind the wheel it comes across as being scary. it doesn't matter that they live outside of washington DC and that no one ever drives the speed limit. My dad will drive down the beltway, 10 miles below the speed limit with cars zooming past on both sides. His eyesight isn't the greatest, as he seems to have to squint at everything. he'll be in his own little world, driving and smiling and pointing out things as if everyone else in the car is seeing the world for the first time.

Dad: "man, look at all these cars."

Imagine that, cars on the highway, all of which I'm surprised haven't rear ended us.

Dad: "i used to work in that building over yonder"

In fact he did, and i lived under his roof for many a year when he did in fact work in that bulding over yonder. I remember it like it was just last year, maybe becuase it was just in fact last year when he stopped working there.

dad: "woooo-weee! Did you see the tits on that girl!"

Oh not this again. Well maybe his eyesight isn't that bad after all.

it's 5am and i've been up for an hour. i'm enjoying a delicious bacon egg and cheese stromboli at the reagan national airport. or is it international? all I know is I feel hungover from waking up so early, so i'm eating hangover food.

I figured i'd finish these christmas posts off by saying something nice about my parents. here goes.

I admire my mom's strength. I have some of it, but not nearly to the same magnitude. she's 5'3", so her strength isn't physicial but rather the strength to blurt out statements that may or may not be true with such conviction that no one questions what she says, not publically at least.

mom: "african potatoes have a lot more fat in them than regular potatoes."

wow. what do you say to that, especially considering you're eating a piece of chicolate and there are no potatoes to be seen. does such thing as an african potato even exist? or is she making some sort of twisted comment on the obesity rates of african americans? you really never know. maybe she said potatoes, but meant people. for everyone's sake I just try to assume the best. maybe this is some scienctific fact she picked up from martha stewart.

I consider all the possible interpretations of her statement, and think of how i've used her same technique to win an argument here or there. you just say something slightly off beat but with such strength and conviction that no one questions you. and yes as far as I knoe, maybe african potatoes do have more fat than regular potatoes. I respond with the thing I usually respond with in situations like this.

me: "hunh"

and that's how this great story about my mom's strength of craziness is gonna end because my flight is now boarding.

it's christmas morning and the parents are flipping through the channels, stopping on various parades and christmas carols. the tv stops briefly on an african american woman singing joy to the world.

mom: I can't stand how black people sing.

dad: they put too much soul in their voice.

mom: can't they get their own songs to sing?

if someone out there in the music industry could help me out, please invent some sort of black soul music.

hmmm...I realize this makes my parents look bad. it's not that they don't like black people, it's that they don't like anyone that's not white or chinese. it's nice how they've overcome racial boundaries so that they can dislike all the other races together.

someone help me. I don't think I can take much more of this.

Today my dad walked around singing "Feliz Navidad."

Dad: (singing) "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart. Fah-leeee-dah-de-dah..."

Me: "Dad the words are Feliz Navidad"

Dad: "What the hell is Feliz Navidad?"

Me: "It means Merry Christmas."

Once again, the Hispanics are taking over and ruining everything. And here's a bonus for today, when my dad was looking through the TV guide looking for something to watch:

Dad: "All The Pretty Horses? That sounds like a homosexual show."

Good thing he didn't see the title for Kevin Smith's latest movie, "Tom and LazyJ make a porno"

Merry Christmas everybody.

I went out to breakfast with my parents. my dad drove, my mom sat in the passenger seat, and I sat in the back of the minivan they have no reason for owning. when we got to the restaurant, instead of going out her own door she climbed over the center console and got out the driver's side door. of course I had to ask what she was doing, and my mom's answer?

"I want to. when i'm fat i'll use my own door."

so there you have it. passwnger side doors are only for fat people.

my dad just said this:

"when I first joined the army, I was so poor I didn't have a pot to piss in!"

I'll add that to my other favorite "well tickle my grits!"

i'm back in virginia with the parents for the holidays. it's extra painful because my brother is in kuwait right now, not so much because I miss him but because that means I get 100% of my parent's attention, about 99% more than I want. i'm writing this from a starbucjs on ft.belvoir. apparently coffee is very important to national security. lazyj and tom and I were twittering, saying we never post. i'm proving them wrong by posting from my new phone. hence the poor capitilization and spelling.

so i'm going to write some of the great things I hear my dad say. hr's got one of those non functioning brain filters where he just says whatever he wants regardless of how much sense it makes.

here's one:

me: kmart is still in bysiness here?
dad: yup. I don't know how either, only hispanics shop there.
me: well hispanics have money too.
dad: well...yeah.

reminds me of the time tom's mom asked him if he had a problem with the wet backs.

ok more to come later. let's see if this whole posting by phone thing works...

I'm not sure if this makes me more proud or more ashamed of my own people.

The woman who shows up at 1:27 kinda scares me.

Seen on Exhausticated

Gabe had a baby, and when we asked where babies came from he had us take a look at this. We went ahead and did our own translation, but just a warning - I dropped out of my fourth year of German when I realized I didn't actually know any.

Have you ever wondered where baby headed larvae in blue cocoons come from?

It all starts when two people with terrible fashion sense get drunk and go home together.

The new couple grabs each other's asses which causes all clothing to mysteriously disappear.

A staring contest is initiated.

Without breaking eye contact, the couple must lie down on top of a giant cake.

A marble will shoot out the man's dingle dangle. This is not pleasant for either party. Also the man should attempt to insert his testicles.

Before anyone can even put their clothes back on, the woman will be pregnant. Babies grow very fast initially.

When you're ready to have your baby, the man punches the woman in the stomach.

While your bitch sits in the back, drive her to the hospital in the clown car decorated like the cake you originally had sex on.

Doctors with red crocs are best at delivering babies.

Shit, he has a hammer! Did I say red? Maybe the blue crocs doctor would've been better. The woman at this point may feel some minor discomfort.

SURPRISE!! You just ripped your bajingo!

Babies have very strong necks and love the superman position.
Suddenly realize and question why you have no clothes on at all.

The baby then latches onto a nipple and will spin its own blue cocoon.

And that is how babies are made.

The Spice Girls are major. MAJOR!!

The tour has started, and Victoria is totally kicking ass in the "who's boobs are farthest away from their bellybutton" game.

One day we'll have more substantial posts, maybe once work stops kicking my ass, school stops kicking Tom's ass, and lazyJ stops kicking his own ass. Speaking of lazyJ, what ever happened to part two of his "to be continued" story?

Edit - more poshy pics added

I know what my cat is getting for Christmas.

And before I get called things questioning my heterosexuality for liking cats, and posting about wigs for cats, I'm kidding.

Sorta.