The bathroom at work is an interesting place. There's this one guy who combines conference calls with his #2s. It's just weird to have someone hold a conversation while in a stall, but I'm glad he's talking on the phone and not to me. I even hate it when someone tries to talk to me when I'm at a urinal. As a general rule, when my schlong is in my hand that's personal time and no talking is allowed unless you're a girl and the words coming out of your mouth are "Oh my," and there better not be even a hint of disappointment in your voice.

So, back to the bathroom.

My favorite event is when I'm in there all alone with complete peace and quiet, doing my business in the lull before the storm. Suddenly the main door flings open and someone comes in with a certain desperation in their step. They dive into the first available stall and in one swift motion close the door, drop their pants, and have blowout diarrhea in the span of about half a second. There's a thunderous echo from the sudden release of pressure that's often accompanied with a verbal "Ehhhnnn." The noise is halfway between the pure relief of an "Ahhhh" and the discomfort of a "Unnnh." I want to start clapping and give the guy a "Yeah!!! Way to go!!!" but I figure that not shitting his pants was probably congratulations enough.