I think this says it all.

peace&love,
lazyJ

The bathroom at work is an interesting place. There's this one guy who combines conference calls with his #2s. It's just weird to have someone hold a conversation while in a stall, but I'm glad he's talking on the phone and not to me. I even hate it when someone tries to talk to me when I'm at a urinal. As a general rule, when my schlong is in my hand that's personal time and no talking is allowed unless you're a girl and the words coming out of your mouth are "Oh my," and there better not be even a hint of disappointment in your voice.

So, back to the bathroom.

My favorite event is when I'm in there all alone with complete peace and quiet, doing my business in the lull before the storm. Suddenly the main door flings open and someone comes in with a certain desperation in their step. They dive into the first available stall and in one swift motion close the door, drop their pants, and have blowout diarrhea in the span of about half a second. There's a thunderous echo from the sudden release of pressure that's often accompanied with a verbal "Ehhhnnn." The noise is halfway between the pure relief of an "Ahhhh" and the discomfort of a "Unnnh." I want to start clapping and give the guy a "Yeah!!! Way to go!!!" but I figure that not shitting his pants was probably congratulations enough.

So there's this girl....and I can't get her out of my head. It totally sucks because I know we can't be together but the desire is tearing me apart. She's absolutely beautiful, downright gorgeous even, and when she smiles her whole face lights up and it just plain makes me melt. Alas she lives too far away...oh, and she's married to David Beckham.

That's right, I'm talking about Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham. I realize it's a day early for a "hot chick Friday" post, but this needs to be said today. I'm usually slow to the goings on of television, but apparently she has a mini reality tv show, one that was originally 6 episodes but got cut down to one hour length show. It's already aired once, and NBC is airing it again tonight. My only complaint is that the name "Victoria Beckham - Coming to America" should really be "Victoria Beckham - Coming to Greg's Pants."

I've been watching the show online and it's awesome. It's received some terrible reviews, but what do you expect? It's American reality TV. As for the awesomeness of Victoria herself, if you don't believe me check out this interview with Ali G (aka Borat).

One last thing - did you hear about the Spice Girls reunion tour? This photo was taken during the announcement, where you can see sporty spice has started going to the same hair stylist as Cat Power.

You can also see Victoria's new boobs are completely disregarding gravity and are planning a hostile takeover of her head.

Oh man, and what a great takeover it would be.

I've been meaning to write about this for awhile. This topic has come up in conversation several times over the past year including with hair stylists as they cut my hair.

The last and most notable time was at a wedding I recently attended where a cousin of my GF told me that she liked my fauxhawk. I had had a few drinks as I am known to do and decided to finally defend my hairstyle as an actual mohawk. I had recently looked up the definitions of the different hairstyles so I was loaded with factual data along with the alcohol. After a very brief but persuading explanation she smiled and agreed with me. Although I think she was just doing so to shut me up.

Here are the definitions of a mohawk and a fauxhawk from Wikipedia.

My current hairstyle:

Although my mohawk is not very tall, I don't think this disqualifies it from being a mohawk. I clearly have the side of my head shaved.

I have actually rocked the fauxhawk before:

So, let me know what you think in the comments. But if you think that my current hairstyle is a fauxhawk, then I think my first t-shirt says it all.

peace&love,
lazyJ

Usually it's lazyJ and I that post our brilliant IM conversations, but that's not to say Tom isn't a messaging comedian either. He just doesn't have the pleasure of sitting at a computer bored all day as part of his daily routine. The other night I was having a bit of an emotional breakdown and Tom came to the rescue via text message. The background is that there's this issue, which is really a non-issue, yet I've gotten way too worked up about it for anyone's good and I can't seem to let it go. There's no possible good outcome yet I can't stop thinking about it constantly.

Does that make any sense? Yeah, didn't think so. So here it is:

(blah blah blah, secret stuff, blah blah)
Tom: So that should give you hope.
Me: Why? That just means I'm being retarded about the whole thing.
Tom: You are plenty retarded all the time, you're just aware of it right now.
Me: Thanks man, that made me laugh.
Tom: No problem, retard.

So, this might not be funny to anyone else, but I thought I would post it anyway.

In case you aren't aware, ESPN is running a series called "Who's Now: Determine the Ultimate Sports Star". The summary is that it is a bracket-style competition between current star athletes to determine the coolest, biggest, whatever. There is an expert panel that votes, yadda yadda, and people can vote online (I think). My real summary is that it is retarded.

I decided to voice my frustration by posting the following comment on espn's site, and share it here with you. And if you don't laugh, and you think this competition is cool, the come over to my place so I can punch you in the face.

Anyway, my comment:

An open letter to the entire ESPN organization:

Dear ESPN,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you. Since you began airing your quest to "determine the Ultimate Sports Star", I am no longer late for work. I believe my boss will be thanking you separately. My morning ritual of watching Sportscenter has been abandoned, replaced with swearing and attempting to kick the neighbors' dogs. As the anger has faded, I have lost any and all interest in watching the show and all your networks for that matter. My friends through sheer determination have prevented me from losing my love of athletic competition altogether. There have been a few close calls in the matter, and unfortunately not all of them ended well. I hope all will be forgiven and we will all be stronger for it.

I would really just like to say that "Who's Now" is the most ridiculous and most annoying waste of time, energy, and over-elaborate digital graphics I have seen since the third Matrix movie. I add my voice to the jeers of others on this comment board. This series has made me question my love of television. How dare you.

"Who's Now" has made us, as a nation, all just a little stupider. It has also made this stupidity evident to the world. I only pray that in the future you will keep things like this where they belong: on the web or in sidebars in your magazine.

I await your apology and “Who’s Now”-free programming.

A couple of weeks ago gap.com had a big online sale, and since I have the fashion sense of a white college kid I had to order a few things. Unfortunately I forgot to update my address and the last time I ordered something from them was two residences ago.

I got a call from a very peppy customer service girl who said some guy had ended up with my clothes, so she exchanged our numbers so I could meet up with him and pick up my new threads. Right after I hang up with her, the guy calls.

Dude with my clothes: "Hey, this is Paul, I just got your number from the gap folks."

Me: "Yeah, hey. I hear you're holding my package."

Holy shit did I just say that? He promptly offered to leave it outside his house so I could come pick it up. I can't blame him though, I wouldn't want to meet me either after comment like that.

Edit: Tom made this for me

Hope everyone had a happy 4th.

I will never again doubt lazyJ's ability to slip 'n slide.

Thanks to Gabe for the pictures

Quick FYI - we updated the captcha code, that craziness that makes you type in the letters you see in the box to prove you're not a spam bot. Only problem is security was a little too tight around here and some legitimate people were comment blocked. Gabe reported the issue first with an email saying "your captcha sucks! wtf?" and attached this picture:

I just laughed at him and his inability to distinguish a G from a 6, but after Bean complained I figured I'd look into it. So I picked a different font and made it letters only, and now I fully expect there to be a flood of comments.

Any minute now...

Hey, check it out. Ophlelia shows her thanks for her official Flattire.org pen!

If anyone else wants one let me know.