I'm back in austin, and it's great. while I wait in the longest line ever for my barber i'm trying something crazy, a post from my phone WITH a picture! I know it's crazy.

the ony problem is I have nothing to post about. so i'm going to list random things that happened that we never posted about on account of us sucking at posting.

- lazyj and my work started to ban flattire.org. I know some other companies do, and the military does as well. for all those soldiers out there that need flattire at work, don't fret. go to our secret address here: http://flattire.infodump.org

- found out a guy at work was lying about getting his work done. his job is to run tests on things I design, and he was faking some of the tests to say they passed wen they didn't. it was ultimate laziness, because when a test passes your work is done. when it fails you have to figure out why. unh-unh, not cool. it makes me and my group look incompetent and it's too late to fiz the issue now. if u wonder why sometimes your phone acts quirky, blame this guy.

- rhett and chris visited. tom, rhett and I used to live together. if tom and I combine our smart-ass comment making talent, we become a truly annoying force to be reckoned with. yet despite driving rhett nuts for just about forever, he still likes us. the picture above is from when we went bowling. one of chris' friends is pretty cute, but she always mentions her boyfriend in a weird way as if to reassure herself that she isn't single. I wish her the best, but the official flattire stance on her relationship is that it's shakey at best. I mean it's practically like this:

me: hi! haven't seen you in a while. how are you?

her: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!

I'm still a little paranoid that these posts from my phone aren't going to work after typing them out on tiny buttons with my thumbs for 20 minutes, so i'm wrapping this one up. for 2008, i'm totally getting thumb reduction surgery just for you guys.

My dad has an amazing ability to ignore what's going on around him.
sometimes this comes across as being focused, but when he's behind the wheel it comes across as being scary. it doesn't matter that they live outside of washington DC and that no one ever drives the speed limit. My dad will drive down the beltway, 10 miles below the speed limit with cars zooming past on both sides. His eyesight isn't the greatest, as he seems to have to squint at everything. he'll be in his own little world, driving and smiling and pointing out things as if everyone else in the car is seeing the world for the first time.

Dad: "man, look at all these cars."

Imagine that, cars on the highway, all of which I'm surprised haven't rear ended us.

Dad: "i used to work in that building over yonder"

In fact he did, and i lived under his roof for many a year when he did in fact work in that bulding over yonder. I remember it like it was just last year, maybe becuase it was just in fact last year when he stopped working there.

dad: "woooo-weee! Did you see the tits on that girl!"

Oh not this again. Well maybe his eyesight isn't that bad after all.

it's 5am and i've been up for an hour. i'm enjoying a delicious bacon egg and cheese stromboli at the reagan national airport. or is it international? all I know is I feel hungover from waking up so early, so i'm eating hangover food.

I figured i'd finish these christmas posts off by saying something nice about my parents. here goes.

I admire my mom's strength. I have some of it, but not nearly to the same magnitude. she's 5'3", so her strength isn't physicial but rather the strength to blurt out statements that may or may not be true with such conviction that no one questions what she says, not publically at least.

mom: "african potatoes have a lot more fat in them than regular potatoes."

wow. what do you say to that, especially considering you're eating a piece of chicolate and there are no potatoes to be seen. does such thing as an african potato even exist? or is she making some sort of twisted comment on the obesity rates of african americans? you really never know. maybe she said potatoes, but meant people. for everyone's sake I just try to assume the best. maybe this is some scienctific fact she picked up from martha stewart.

I consider all the possible interpretations of her statement, and think of how i've used her same technique to win an argument here or there. you just say something slightly off beat but with such strength and conviction that no one questions you. and yes as far as I knoe, maybe african potatoes do have more fat than regular potatoes. I respond with the thing I usually respond with in situations like this.

me: "hunh"

and that's how this great story about my mom's strength of craziness is gonna end because my flight is now boarding.

it's christmas morning and the parents are flipping through the channels, stopping on various parades and christmas carols. the tv stops briefly on an african american woman singing joy to the world.

mom: I can't stand how black people sing.

dad: they put too much soul in their voice.

mom: can't they get their own songs to sing?

if someone out there in the music industry could help me out, please invent some sort of black soul music.

hmmm...I realize this makes my parents look bad. it's not that they don't like black people, it's that they don't like anyone that's not white or chinese. it's nice how they've overcome racial boundaries so that they can dislike all the other races together.

someone help me. I don't think I can take much more of this.

Today my dad walked around singing "Feliz Navidad."

Dad: (singing) "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart. Fah-leeee-dah-de-dah..."

Me: "Dad the words are Feliz Navidad"

Dad: "What the hell is Feliz Navidad?"

Me: "It means Merry Christmas."

Once again, the Hispanics are taking over and ruining everything. And here's a bonus for today, when my dad was looking through the TV guide looking for something to watch:

Dad: "All The Pretty Horses? That sounds like a homosexual show."

Good thing he didn't see the title for Kevin Smith's latest movie, "Tom and LazyJ make a porno"

Merry Christmas everybody.

I went out to breakfast with my parents. my dad drove, my mom sat in the passenger seat, and I sat in the back of the minivan they have no reason for owning. when we got to the restaurant, instead of going out her own door she climbed over the center console and got out the driver's side door. of course I had to ask what she was doing, and my mom's answer?

"I want to. when i'm fat i'll use my own door."

so there you have it. passwnger side doors are only for fat people.

my dad just said this:

"when I first joined the army, I was so poor I didn't have a pot to piss in!"

I'll add that to my other favorite "well tickle my grits!"

i'm back in virginia with the parents for the holidays. it's extra painful because my brother is in kuwait right now, not so much because I miss him but because that means I get 100% of my parent's attention, about 99% more than I want. i'm writing this from a starbucjs on ft.belvoir. apparently coffee is very important to national security. lazyj and tom and I were twittering, saying we never post. i'm proving them wrong by posting from my new phone. hence the poor capitilization and spelling.

so i'm going to write some of the great things I hear my dad say. hr's got one of those non functioning brain filters where he just says whatever he wants regardless of how much sense it makes.

here's one:

me: kmart is still in bysiness here?
dad: yup. I don't know how either, only hispanics shop there.
me: well hispanics have money too.
dad: well...yeah.

reminds me of the time tom's mom asked him if he had a problem with the wet backs.

ok more to come later. let's see if this whole posting by phone thing works...

I'm not sure if this makes me more proud or more ashamed of my own people.

The woman who shows up at 1:27 kinda scares me.

Seen on Exhausticated

Gabe had a baby, and when we asked where babies came from he had us take a look at this. We went ahead and did our own translation, but just a warning - I dropped out of my fourth year of German when I realized I didn't actually know any.

Have you ever wondered where baby headed larvae in blue cocoons come from?

It all starts when two people with terrible fashion sense get drunk and go home together.

The new couple grabs each other's asses which causes all clothing to mysteriously disappear.

A staring contest is initiated.

Without breaking eye contact, the couple must lie down on top of a giant cake.

A marble will shoot out the man's dingle dangle. This is not pleasant for either party. Also the man should attempt to insert his testicles.

Before anyone can even put their clothes back on, the woman will be pregnant. Babies grow very fast initially.

When you're ready to have your baby, the man punches the woman in the stomach.

While your bitch sits in the back, drive her to the hospital in the clown car decorated like the cake you originally had sex on.

Doctors with red crocs are best at delivering babies.

Shit, he has a hammer! Did I say red? Maybe the blue crocs doctor would've been better. The woman at this point may feel some minor discomfort.

SURPRISE!! You just ripped your bajingo!

Babies have very strong necks and love the superman position.
Suddenly realize and question why you have no clothes on at all.

The baby then latches onto a nipple and will spin its own blue cocoon.

And that is how babies are made.

The Spice Girls are major. MAJOR!!

The tour has started, and Victoria is totally kicking ass in the "who's boobs are farthest away from their bellybutton" game.

One day we'll have more substantial posts, maybe once work stops kicking my ass, school stops kicking Tom's ass, and lazyJ stops kicking his own ass. Speaking of lazyJ, what ever happened to part two of his "to be continued" story?

Edit - more poshy pics added

I know what my cat is getting for Christmas.

And before I get called things questioning my heterosexuality for liking cats, and posting about wigs for cats, I'm kidding.

Sorta.

Let's say I have a coworker named Frank. Frank has a boss. There's also this little asian girl I'm going to call Karen because there's a rule that all small Asian girls are named Karen. And since all Asian girls are small except for Margaret Cho, they're almost all named Karen including the one in my story, who is really not even that relevant.

So Karen and I were talking about work stuff and Frank's boss walks up. Oh, I guess she's relevant, since otherwise I would've been just talking to myself. Ok enough build up, here's the conversation.

Frank's Boss: Why aren't you making Frank harder?
Me: What?
Frank's Boss: Why, aren't yooooouuu, making Frank harder?
Me: Ummm...
Karen: Yeah why aren't you making him harder?

Karen giggles. I look at Frank's Boss with a furrowed brow. Karen is smiling her goofy smile with teeth in desperate need of some crest whitening strips.

Frank's Boss: Oh, I mean why aren't you making Frank WORK harder.
Me: Ok yeah, that's something entirely different.

And really, shouldn't Frank's boss be the one making Frank harder, not me?

So sit on your ass pounding egg nogg waiting until the last minute before buying all of your family gift cards!

My girlfriend made this for us:

Don't forget to send us one of those gift cards!

peace&love,
lazyJ

I'd watch this.

You should all appreciate that we dumb down our spelling and grammar just for you.

We've been lazy writers. Writers? Nah, posters. What we do here can hardly be called writing. In any case I realized that the picture of lazyJ grabbing his junk had been the latest post for entirely too long, so I'm writing this up when I should be at work already. Here goes.

I like cats. I like cats more than dogs. There, I said it. I like dogs too, but I'm sorta lazy and I really appreciate an animal that instinctively will shit in a box of litter.

There's a lot of internet fads that I could really do without. For a month Gabe wouldn't stop talking about Chocolate Rain, and Nick had it as his ringtone. There was that dude crying in a video to leave Britney alone, which hurt my ears and my belief in humans in general.

So what's one internet fad I do like? Lolcats. You know, those pictures of cats with some witty misspelled caption. If my cat had one, her caption would be "I'm in ur cobwebz, eatin ur spiderz." And what's better than a lolcat than a Lolcat Bible! It's the bible, translated into lolcat language. And to get you started, the Ceiling Cat = God.

Here's a couple of translations for ya.

John 3 Regular:
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

John 3 Lolcat:
16 So liek teh Ceiling Cat lieks teh ppl lots and he sez 'Oh hai I givez u my only son and ifs u beleevs in him u wont evr diez no moar, k?'
17 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat not snd hiz son 2 take all yur cookies, but so u cud maek moar cookies 4EVAR!"

Matthew 3 Regular:
13 Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John.
14 But John tried to deter him, saying, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?"
15 Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness." Then John consented.

Matthew 3 Lolcat:
13 Den Jesus caem from Gallalee, to has baptizm from John.
14 But John was all "Ur doin it rong, j00 needz to baptize me"
15 And Jesus answered sayin "STFU and baptize me n00b" and John did.

Man, Jesus definitely needs to say "STFU" more.

For the third year in the row, ReaddyEddie has graciously sent in a Halloween picture of his friend Jen. She's cool with it, or so he says. I have to say this year's costumes are the best yet.

Eddie & Jen, Halloween 2005

Jen, Halloween 2006

And now, Eddie and Jen, Halloween 2007!

Eddie didn't like his expression in the photo, so I pumpkinized him. Sorry Eddie I was working late last night, if I had more time I would've used a better pumpkin.

Jen, you should probably go out with Eddie. He seems like a good guy. If that doesn't work out though, give Tom a ring - I hear he likes big hats.

The bluriness of the collage is to give it that drunken effect.

Sorry too busy/lazy to post, but this made us laugh. Don't know who the original author was since it was sent from some Venezuelan guy to lazyJ to me. Maybe Kevin Bacon made it.

I think "WTF" needs to be used more often.

This is what happens when the ho shrimp and the pimp shrimp encounter a financial disagreement. He's all "bitch better have my money!" And she's all "Don't be calling me no bitch, shrimp!" And he's all "Shrimp? Nu-unh I know you didn't just call me no shrimp." And that's when he cocks his shrimp gun and takes care of his shrimp biznass. Blamo!

Bitch betta recognize!

So, at my soon to be new residence (Yes, I'm moving out of the flattire mansion and stepping out on my own. Okay, not really, I'm just moving into my GF's little yellow house.) I have lots of new pets.

Her little yellow house is located right by a small wooded area and river. It's really quite lovely. However, we have a lot of natural creatures hanging around. Like raccoons and ... wasps. I believe it's due to the small wooded area or maybe due to it's yellowness. You know, like when you were little and someone told you not to wear yellow during the summer because it would attract bees even though we are talking about wasps I think and you really really really hated getting stung by bees.

We have gone through almost 4 cans of wasp & hornet killer this summer. The last can was used to take down 7 nests being simultaneously built on her front porch. Here are some pictures of each nest taken this weekend.

The thing is, we killed the nests almost a month ago. We left them up to show people, kind of a walk of wasps type thing. But we didn't really have any visitors during that time so I made a video for you. I found it kind of weird that they have been perfectly preserved this whole time. Anyway, it was a lot more fun to walk through when they were all alive, but maybe if you use your imagination you can have the same experience by watching this video of it while they are all dead.

Wasn't this hilarious? I said wasn't this hilarious? You better start fucking laughing...

peace&love,
lazyJ

My second video is a piece I like to call "Blurry Pictures Set to Popular Music." One of the best way to share quality pictures with people is to make prints, scan them, make a video out of them, and then upload the video to youtube. The quality just keeps getting better each step of the way!

I spent two semesters in high school (or was it 3?) in this video class. We had this big video editing room with these giant machines and big knobs and switches that we learned to use. This of course is a worthless skill since now you can do it all on your home computer. My friend Rhett and I quickly learned that you can make any shitty video better by adding music. Man, you should've seen some of the crap we churned out. Oh, and make the videos about your friends, that's fun too.

Now, to the actual video. In the summer of 2002, Tom and I went on a road trip to visit friends and stopped along the way whenever we wanted. We started in Austin, went to Denver, the Grand Canyon, through Vegas, to LA, and then back. We sorta blogged the whole thing on my PDA and made this website afterwards documenting it all, but it's currently down due to my laziness. The whole thing took an hour to read so here's a 2 minute tribute to one badass 4000 mile, 10 day journey. From Austin. To Austin.

Did you catch the awesomeness right at the end? I'm a star wiping fool! The video was done with Nero Vision which is a million times better than Windows Movie Maker (surprise, surprise). Who knows what program I'll use for my third video! Ya'll better stay tuned is all I'm saying. Have a great weekend.

My new thing is making videos. So far I've done two, and they're so awesome it hurts!

The first was a video I secretly took of lazyJ during drum practice. I then used the power of windows movie maker to add a title, a fade in, a fade out, and a surprise right in the middle.

Did you catch the 9-star star wipe to transition from lazyJ to lazyJ? I added that sweet popup text to let you know just in case your eyesight isn't so good. Damn that was amazing.

If I had to do it over, I would've gone with fewer stars. Maybe I'll fix it later and release a director's cut version.

It's been said before that as you get old you regress back to your newborn self as you lose your independence and need people to care for you more and more. I think this is definitely true. I've lived in Austin for 7 years now, and my dad just now decided that he could take time out of his busy half-retired-working-three-days-a-week schedule to visit me for the weekend. He was here for 3.7 days, and yes, I calculated the .7 because I needed to figure out how long I should have had my dad visit, which was precisely 17 minutes. He's great, he's just old. He looks sort of like Greenspan but with white whispy hair, which is basically how all old white guys look to me. For those that don't already know, my dad is white, I'm yellow, and the reason is "it's complicated."

Things about my dad, some that I already knew and many that I just learned:

- My dad does that annoying thing where he tries to follow you too closely. You know what I'm talking about - everyone knows that one guy that tries to walk behind you and a little to the side, but he always follows too close. So the moment you stop, say for a car, he runs into you. It doesn't matter how cool you're walking past the cute girl on the sidewalk when you've got your dad nipping at your heels like an untrained puppy.

- I was a smart ass as a kid and it used to piss the hell out of my dad. I'm still a smart ass, except I think he's slowed down to the point he doesn't realize what a smart ass I'm being. On the plus side now I can mouth off and not get grounded.

- My dad tells really uninteresting stories and likes to pause while he tries to remember irrelevant details. Was it 1961? 1962? I wanted to tell him that since I wasn't alive yet, in the grand scheme of his 5 minute story on rat snakes it didn't matter exactly what year he met his army buddy Chuck. Unless maybe Chuck was eaten by a rat snake, but even so it would suffice to say "before you were born." And you know what else is great? I think I have his knack for telling uninteresting stories.

- When you're all chinkified like me (aka Chinese for those of you that aren't chinkified), and your dad is all wonder bread white, people look at you a little funny. Or maybe you're just more self conscious about hanging out with your dad. For some reason girls with hot fangs at shoe stores, girls with sharp features serving you barbeque, and cute girls with formerly bad complexions serving you texmex smile at you more. I haven't figured this one out yet. Maybe it's just all in my head as I'm half a year from 30 and everyone I know that doesn't write for Flattire.org is already married. wtf?

- My dad doesn't watch TV so much as stare at it. He zones out a lot, just like I....what was I talking about? Anyways my dad seems oblivious to everything around him except women my age which is a little disturbing. There were more than a few "Man! Did you see the boobs on that girl!" comments. And of course I did see the boobs on that girl, and had thought that they were fantastically oversized in a way that would be great fun now but seriously disappointing after a few more years of their futile battle with gravity. But that would be ok, because I'm not shallow like that and besides her ass was smoking. My dad then confirmed my ass assessment with his wide eyed, mouth slightly agape stare. Smooth dad, smooth. No wonder I'm so good with the ladies.

I made a shake last night with not so sweet watermelon frozen blueberries yogurt and honey. it looked like something Grimace would puke up if we lived in a world where you only puked up things the color of your skin RACIST VOMIT

i just read a bunch of Raymi posts and now i'm writing like her did you know she's the most famous person ever to link flattire.org raymi ROCKS!

I had a dream filled sleep last night which hopefully is a sign of me getting more REM. I had this awesome dream, the only problem of course being I didn't write it down immediately and now I can't remember any of the details. It had something to do with four people who didn't know each other all having the same dreams, and then one day meeting each other and realizing they already knew each other but just not in the conscious world. It was great, I swear.

So...

You know how you're laying in bed and you don't want to wake up, but sometimes you have to pee really bad? And you're trying to ignore it, but you don't want to ignore it too much? Well there I was in bed reflecting on my dreams still half asleep with a bladder about to burst. I was drifting back into unconsciousness when I heard lazyJ's girlfriend say my name. And not in the American Pie "Say my name, bitch!" kind of way, but just like a soft attention getting kind of way. I was confused being half asleep, but was pretty sure lazyJ had stayed at her place last night. But then I heard it again, a little louder and more urgent sounding. So I popped out of bed, looked out the bedroom door, and seeing no one I went to the bathroom and got ready for work.

This leaves two possibilities:
a) my bladder speaks in the same voice as lazyJ's girlfriend
b) lazyJ's girlfriend is my fairy godmother of bed wetting prevention.

Feel free to draw your own conclusions.

A couple of weeks ago lazyJ wrote a pretty cool post about his new tatoo honoring his late grandfather. If you missed it, make sure you check it out.

The comments were so positive that it made Tom and I stop and think. What had we done to honor our family members that have passed? Lacking originality, we naturally thought that tattoos were the answer. But man, I think our grandfather's names were way more embarassing.

Man, I love writing a blog with my friends.

Being famous bloggers, we often get sent free stuff. Wait, is that true? Let me think. One time our friends gave us 100 flattire.org pens. If you want one let us know and we'll send you one, but hurry because we only have about 97 left. Hmmm...maybe that doesn't count. Well maybe this does: A few weeks ago as part of 7-up's new marketing campaign, they sent all big name bloggers official Diet 7-up taste test kits. Ok I lied, I requested it, but still it was free. I was impressed that a company would actually mail us 3 cans of soda, two of which they had to buy from their competitors.

On a crazy Sunday night right before watching Daniel Craig's ears in Casino Royale we gathered around for the official Flattire diet lemon-lime soda taste test world event extravaganza.

So what were the results of our official taste testing? We unanimously picked.....Sprite Zero!! There were two votes for Diet 7-up as second place. The general thought was that it had too much of a chemical taste, which is strange since this is their new "natural" formula.

Thanks 7-up for the free soda!

And....since Casino Royale was a little lacking in the "tons of hot chicks" department, here's a picture of Monica Belluci's gazoongas.

The End.

Does anyone notice that 95% of the time we pick the category "announcement" even though the post has nothing to do with announcements? We're not so good at this category thing. Maybe it's because our categories don't make any sense. I mean shit, we have a category called "lazyJ's ass" which unfortunately is not empty.

Anyways, quick post. I was reading Kevin Smith's blog about him trying to take his daughter to an aquarium on a 100 degree day.

"Big mistake, as the line to get in is not only longer than my dick, but longer than my dick if you measured it every day since I was born and added those figures together for a sum total of inches/feet."

That's just pure poetry.

I saw this a while back and thought it was cool. It's this Adam Frank lamp called Reveal that projects an image of a window with a moving tree outside of it.

I'd be all over it if it didn't cost $400. Fancy stuff is expensive.

While I was looking through their site I saw this really cool art installation they've done. Cool, and kind of freaky. You're used to seeing shadows of people, but what if you saw a shadow of a person, but no person? And what if that shadow tried to follow you? It's hard to explain, so be sure to check out the video.

Oh yeah?

Take that!

Sometimes his cheapness amazes me.

Serves you right bitch!

peace&love,
lazyJ

I saw this Face Transformer site couple months back on Ophelia's site and thought it was neat. The first pic is the one I gave it, the rest are ones I got back.

Current Greg (well, maybe a year or so ago)