Is it bad if you and your girlfriend make thanksgiving dinner together just for yourselves and then end up eating all of the leftovers before the weekend is over? I was thankful for gluttony, how about you? Now, back to our series.

Part 3 of the deep throat adventures was a fantastic 0 day, 1 night vacation getaway at a sleep clinic. I didn't show any classic signs of sleep apnea such as loud irregular snoring or being overweight, but my doc wanted to rule it out. I show up at 8:30pm with a "this is a waste of time" attitude and proceed to get a billion little probes stuck everywhere, none anal thankfully. There were sensors for brain waves, eye movement, jaw movement, chest movement, leg movement, oxygen level, and bunches of others. I looked sweet.

All the goop they put on the sensors was a little irritating. Plus the idea of going to sleep at 10pm while a camera above the bed with a red glowing eye stared at me wasn't too appealing, since I usually go to sleep around 1am without any glowing eyes. Making it even better was the fact that they were going to wake me up at 6am. This is how I felt about that:

My hippie technician told me that if I had more than 20 sleep apneas in an hour she'd wake me up and outfit me with a CPAP mask for the rest of the night. ?PAP stands for "Constant Positive Air Pressure" and is one of the treatment methods for sleep apnea. The mask is hooked up to an air pump that pressurizes the air you breath, holding your throat open so that sleep apneas cannot occur.

I think briefly about how funny it'd be if I woke up with a raging boner and fall asleep. What seemed like a minute later, Ms.Hippie technician returns and says "Oh you poor dear! You sleep like shit!" On went the mask which made it feel like I was breathing into a balloon. Super easy to breathe in, but kinda hard to breathe out. The morning came quickly while I dreamed about being Darth Vadar. Here are my results.

- I have central sleep apneas, especially right when I fall asleep. Central sleep apneas are when your brain forgets to tell your body to breathe. My brain sucks.
- I have obstructive sleep apneas. The opening at the base of my tongue is collapsing when I fall asleep. When you reach REM sleep your brain stops controlling your muscles, which causes my throat to close and me to go gasp gasp, choke choke, etc.
- Without CPAP I was in REM sleep 14% of the time. With CPAP it went up to 53%. My body loves CPAP. There's different theories on the function of REM sleep, but researchers tend to agree that with my REM sleep increased I will become a super genius and become even more extra good looking.

So that's about it. I don't have laryngospasms, at least not exclusively. The ENT found out that I have a severely deviated septum which he thinks is from me breaking my nose, but I don't seem to remember that ever happening. I'm getting that shit straightened out next week, literally, partly to breathe easier and partly because it frequently helps with sleep apnea. Oh, I meant that previous "literally" to be referring to the straightening, not the shit. Nothing is going on with my shit next week outside of the normal outward movements.

Ps. I briefly considered getting rhinoplasty rolled into my upcoming interior nasal straightening, but then realized I'd be too good looking. I've seen Zoolander, and while I think gasoline fights would be fun I'm not much for orange-moca-frappachinos.